Wednesday, May 27, 2009

{Tales of an exaggerated feeler...)

Our one year anniversary is only weeks away. And yet, here I sit with my loving and sacrificial husband...918 miles away. He's in Colorado. Next week Canada. Neither scenario gives me time with him on the phone (well, hardly), nor Internet (at least next week).

Only hours ago I spoke to him. The reception cut my voice out so that he could hardly hear my questions. He sounded like someone had dragged him through a sitting of all the Anne of Green Gables movies for a week and had restricted him from coffee and shut eye. But at that moment, what I heard was absolute disinterest and unconcern for his sweet, caring, little wife.

"My dear poor sweet on earth did you get through this day with all that work?! You should go to beddy-by. Don't mind little ol' me; I know you love me more than anything on earth. You just put yourself to bed....", gushed myself.

"mumble. Yah, I spose'. Swimming in those clear blue mountainous pools sure wore me out. Why don't you put me out of my misery and let me sleep?!" He muttered...(well, at least it seemed that way to me.)

"Oh, fine, dear. I'll talk to you in the morning...just remember: I lOVE you.", I smiled.

Snort. "Well, g'night." CLICK.

Before I know it, I've gently hung the phone up and tears have begun to stream down my face. Tears of love and sorrow.

Yeah, that sounds right.

Of course, I write this knowing you couldn't have heard how tired he was, or how hard he was trying. Or how much work he put in today. Or how snotty I may or may not have responded (in my head, at least). Or how I said goodnight with a dry tone...and selfish anger in my heart. And that I cried angry pity tears when I hung up. And wrote a selfish email (before I deleted it).

*sigh*. Basically, my husband is an extremely gracious, loving, and godly man. And I do not like having him so far away and unavailable and exhausted. Yet, I love that he said he was encouraged by the time and energy he is investing. And that he missed me (yes, he did say that). If I thought about it, I would recognize my confidence in his character, his love for me, and how the Lord is using him greatly in Colorado.

As I confide in my sister in law, I recognize that much of the drama in my head comes more frequently when I skip out on time alone with God. How does that happen? I figure its because my focus is on myself, and feeding myself the right kind of 'dosage'. Love, romance, food, tears. Ya know, like kids with candy when they need Aspirin. Except, we sugar coat the medicine. This time, I just need the Healer. And Provider. And Lover.

Lord, help me to seek you with all my heart. And to be an un-exaggerated wife and feeler who seeks to love and understand her husband well. And to get through the next week and a half!

Minutes before I drove him to the airport...

Matt romancing me only a month before....